‘R’ for regret

This was published previously on Rediff

Live your life without regrets they say, but most of us end up collecting one or two along the way.

I was getting ready to go to work that morning, just like any other week-day. Now this was always the tricky part, the moment of separation from you. I tried explaining a few times, but I know it’s hard to understand when you’re just eight months old. I usually got the baby sitter to trick you into checking out what surprise was hiding under the bed (a toy or candy), and made sure you were happily preoccupied before I quietly slipped out.

That morning the office pick-up was a bit delayed and I settled into another game of peek-a-boo with you as I waited. Time flew and suddenly I heard the familiar, insistent honking from the street below. In my hurry and confusion I carried you out with me to the car. Realizing my mistake I called to the babysitter, but you immediately clasped your hands tightly around my neck, sensing that someone or something was about to tear us apart.

There were other people waiting inside, and we were running late. Gently but firmly, I removed your arms from around my neck and handed you to the baby sitter. There was no time to distract you with a candy, so I just said ‘Bye sweetheart, mommy will be back soon,’ as I stepped into the car.

The door slammed shut and you blinked in horror, as if a monster had just swallowed me up! As we drove off, I heard you agitatedly and heart-breakingly cry out for me.

IMG_20160421_212916.jpg

By the time I returned, you were fast asleep. You’d cried and cried, the babysitter said, before wearily falling asleep. I kissed your still damp cheeks goodnight and lay down next to you with a heavy heart.

Now you’re all grown up and don’t need me around so much. But if I could turn the clock back, I would step off that car, ask the world to go to hell and scoop you up in my arms instead.

I’m sorry my love, for that morning and for all the days that I chose to go to work, leaving you behind at home.

This post is the 18th in a series of 26 posts that I am writing throughout the month of April as part of the A to Z challenge 2016.

Advertisements

5 thoughts on “‘R’ for regret”

  1. Durba. .. this resonated my emotions and touched a chord deep within. My maternity leave got over when my daughter was 4.5 months old and everyday I would choke and control my tears as I stepped into the lift on my way to work, for the next few months … but the pain remains permanent for the rest of my life.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Only a mother would understand this Sukanya. We are always wracked by guilt, trying to balance work and home when kids are young. But the thing is there is no right way. Those who chose to quit work are not always happy with their decision either. Thank you for sharing your feelings. Makes me feel I’m not alone 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh Durba, you definitely are not alone. It is heart-wrenching to leave a small child. My son didn’t like it when I would simply run errands and leave him with a friend who had a son my son’s age. My son would still scream, like I was never coming back. I always felt like the worst mom in the world. Now my son and his wife have children and he is learning what I experienced. Excellent post!

    Like

    1. Yes, your son is learning how tough it is, now 😀 You know I dare not show this post to my son for fear he will be angry with me. Maybe I will when he has his own kids and understands better, how it is 😉 Thank you so much for your comments and for sharing your experience, Gwynn.

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s