‘P’ for perfect

The first time I met you, was when I went to audition for a bit role in a play. ‘This is our lead actress’, the director said. I could barely stop myself from gaping at you in open mouthed wonder — you were beautiful!

We continued to work together and I am not sure when exactly my admiration began to turn into something dark and ugly — an emotion best described as envy.

I didn’t know I so badly wanted to be an actress, until I saw you steal the limelight.

I was happy being a part-time radio jockey before I heard that you were a veejay on MTV.

My straight hair was alright till I set eyes upon your curls.

You were everything I could not be.

black swan

I am ashamed to say that on the day of the final performance, I wanted you to mess up — forget your lines, trip on stage, anything. But you were glorious! The play was a grand success because of you and despite me.

It was about a year since that day and our paths had not crossed in the meantime. On an ordinary morning, when I was about to leave for class, something in the papers caught my eye. MTV VJ and crew die in car crash. Sure enough, your name was right there, staring at me.

You and three others were returning from a late night party, and your friend at the wheel was intoxicated. There were no survivors. A budding veejay, just 19 years old was how they described you. 19 –the same age as me.

There was shock and sadness, but more than that, what I felt was guilt.

Guilt for having hated you, just for being…perfect!

Guilt for believing that you had it all. And that it was unfair.

Guilt for asking fate many times, ‘Why her, why not me?’ Did I dare ask the same question now?

Perhaps you were just an ordinary girl, as messed up as me, trying to find your way through this madness.

Or maybe you were truly perfect and too good for us all.


I know you will find it in your heart to forgive me, for you were always better than me.


This post is the 15th in a series of 26 posts that I am writing throughout the month of April as part of the A to Z challenge 2016.



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